From Survival Mode To Self-Trust With The Calm Process

Stress doesn’t always come from what’s happening today. Sometimes it’s the nervous system running an old program, one you learned as a child. We sit down with Lolita Guarin, stress management expert and creator of the Calm Process, to talk about the hidden roots of burnout, overwhelm, and chronic anxiety and what actually helps when “self-care” starts feeling like another task.

Lolita shares her lived experience as an immigrant and an adult child of an alcoholic, including how chronic stress escalated into a health crisis that forced a hard re-evaluation of her pace, boundaries, and self-talk. We dig into why quick fixes like yoga or journaling can become stress bandages when your mind keeps scanning for danger, and how patterns like people pleasing, hypervigilance, and fear of saying no can show up at work, in friendships, and in intimate relationships.

Lolita’s talks about the CALM Process as a practical stress management framework: Control what you can, practice Acceptance, Limit what doesn’t work (and ask where it came from), then Multiply what does work. We also explore a powerful idea beneath it all: real change often means breaking loyalty to an old identity, even when that identity once helped you survive. If you’re looking for trauma-informed stress relief, stronger boundaries, and a clearer path to resilience, this conversation is for you.

Subscribe to Head Inside Mental Health, share this with someone stuck in survival mode, and leave a review to help more listeners find the show. What part of the Calm Process do you need most right now?

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello, folks. Thanks for joining us on Head Inside Mental Health, featuring conversations about mental health and substance use treatment with experts, advocates, and professionals from across the country, sharing their thoughts and insights on the world of behavioral health care. Broadcasting on WPVM 1037, The Voice of Asheville Independent, Commercial Free Radio. I'm Todd Weatherly, your host, therapeutic consultant, and behavioral health expert. But with me today is stress management expert, speaker coach, Reiki Master, podcast host, creator of the Calm Process, that's C-A-L-M, story to impact mentor, and six-time Amazon number one best-selling author, Lolita Guarin. Her work is deeply rooted in healing, helping people understand how stress, trauma, and old survival patterns shape their lives and how they can create more peace, resilience, and self-trust. As an immigrant and an adult child of an alcoholic, Lolita's message is grounded in both lived experience and professional insight. After her own health was deeply affected by chronic stress, she became she came to understand that many people calling managing stress is often survival mode in disguise, the realization that led her to create the calm process, a simple but powerful framework that helps people move from overwhelm and burnout into greater clarity, self-awareness, and sustainable success. As a story to impact mentor, I'll ask you about that a little later. She also helps people turn their lived experiences, lessons, and healing journey into meaningful stories, messages, books, talks, and work that can inspire and help others. Through her speaking, coaching books, and podcast conversations, Lolita is passionate about helping people heal old patterns, reconnect with who they truly are, and use their voice to create meaningful impact. Lolita, welcome to the show. Thanks for joining.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

Well, thank you. Thank you. Such a pleasure. But now, since you read all of that, what are we going to talk about since you just put everything on the table?

Story To Impact Mentoring Explained

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Right. Well, you know, I'm curious about a couple of things. Um, what first of all, what is a story to impact mentor? What is it? Tell me a little bit about that.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

When I started on my healing journey and then became stress management coach, then an expert, and uh gave plenty of talks and uh created programs, things. At the same time, I was uh writing many books. So, as you mentioned in the beginning, um I am multiple best-selling Amazon number one best-selling author. Um, and uh people start asking me about that, like, hey, I see you writing books, how did you do that? Um, and after seven clients of mine that though purely free out of my good heart, I realized that there is a need to help others as well to bring this story into the world and inspire others. And now I am coaching how to bring your story, your experiences in the past into something um tangible. So that's why the story to impact was born.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

And impact is capitalized. Does it stand for something?

SPEAKER_02 3:00

Yes, all of those abbreviations mean you know how you get the story, how you put on the paper, how you um make an outline for yourself, or how you get the story out. And you know, every letter means something in the journey to for you to become a self-published author. And I am not a publishing house. I believe that it's important not to just give a fish to a person, but to teach them how to fish. And I am very inspired to support uh everyone who would like to self-publish books. So the moment when they come with me through the journey and they know how to do themselves, they don't need me anymore because they can do that themselves.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Absolutely.

The Calm Process Framework

SPEAKER_01 3:39

And then and then we've got the calm process. I see you've got some of your books back there, um, Joy unleashed and lots on the, I guess those are training books on the calm process. What does calm stand for? C-A-L-M.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

So, you know, when I always um was get through my own process, how to manage stress, and then I started coaching and teaching, I realized that there are uh quite a few steps that can be put in the system that that's easy to remember. So the calm that's mean, you know, just be calm and carry on, right? Later on, I actually realize that the calm is like everywhere. Um, but also uh it stands for um, so let's imagine now someone can think about any stressful situation, and then um C stands for control. You need to ask yourself, can you control the situation or you cannot? You cannot control other people, you cannot control the emotions, the actions, the weather, you cannot control politics and everything else that it doesn't look like you can control. Um, but you what you can control is your attitude, your actions, your reactions. So when you identify that, okay, I cannot control other person, but I can control myself, then you move to the letter A that stands appreciation or acceptance. And many things we cannot change. So we just say, you know what? That's life. But also, I believe there is always silver lining in a situation, in any situation, and uh and say, Well, there is no still lining for me. Well, at least you know now what you don't want in life, so you still learn something about yourself, so it's still useful, and then the letter L and M stands um in any stressful situation, I think we need to make a list of things that we're really doing, so action steps that we're taking or not taking, um, and then limiting that's the L, limiting what does not work for us. Um, for example, you know, I had a client that was um we were talking about her stress management things, and she said she runs in the mornings, that's a physical activity, and she loves it so much, and she uh and then she told me no, she doesn't like it so much because she thought that she likes it because it's a physical activity, but she hates waking up in the morning. And then when I asked her, Why are you doing that then? And turn out that by running in the morning and stressing really about that, that's how she honored her dead father who used to be a runner. So it looks like hey, we're doing even great things for us, but they may be hurting us, and it's time to stop doing them. But I think that is the key in the whole calm process is to ask ourselves why do we do things that we do? Because there's so many things in us that we think we should by honoring our own old patterns or family patterns or authorities. Um, and that needs to stop for us to change the situation. And then M stands for multiplying what works. We don't get enough credit for things that we do well, and we need to remind ourselves that there are lots of things that we do good in that situation, or general, and has to do with life or stress management, then we need to multiply that. So if you like walking the dog, do it not once but twice a day. And that's what the column stands for.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

Yes, there's a saying, what is it? The the the Buddhist monks are like, well, if you if you don't have time to meditate for an hour a day, meditate for two hours. Do more of the thing that's working. I like that. Yeah, we um being solution focused is a big part of of how we look at the world as well, because people are struck with problems, big problems. Um, and it you you talk about uh on your when I read your bio, it was reading about how you know you come from a pretty stressful family environment, and that led to its own chronic health crisis or a health crisis that you were able to resolve.

Immigration Stress And Health Wake-Up

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Can you can you tell us a little bit about that story? Would you be willing to share a little bit uh about how that all came to pass?

SPEAKER_02 8:00

Absolutely. So uh those who are listening in and already can tell that I have an accent, and you said I'm an immigrant, so I bet there are plenty of thinking, oh where she's from. Um, I am from Lithuania. So that's a small country in Europe, right next to Germany, Poland, and all that. And yes, I grew up in the Soviet Union. So um my dad was alcoholic, and it's it was kind of common, really. Depression and uh drinking, it goes hand in hand. You know, addiction usually is the thing that um helps coping. In um, yeah, there's a lot of things that we do that really doesn't help us but kind of help us, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Yeah, so my dad was one of yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 8:47

Exactly. So it looks like you're helping yourself, but you're a little bit not helping yourself. And uh I was uh and I am still only one child, so I didn't have brothers or sisters that I can run for a hug or you know, kind of suit myself, or somebody will be there for me. Um, my mom did the best she could, of course. I never starved, or you know, always went to school and uh got good grades and would wash clothes. Um, but my dad was drinking and uh he would be okay for maybe two days when all angry because he didn't get to drink, and then he finally gets to drink and then he becomes violent. So because um I grew up in that environment, I thought like, well, that's what it is, because when you're a child, you always think that's that's all that is. I mean, there is no other reality that that's it. So then you just survive. Then I became um, you know, with this obsessed with this dream that I will go to the United States of America, and uh was still Soviet Union times. And you know, I was born on 4th of July, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

All right, so yeah, so later birthday.

SPEAKER_02 9:52

Thank you. So every time the fireworks, so for me. Um, I came to the country because, as you heard, there's uh like a money tree growing, so you just go and pluck the dollars. Um no, no, of course that that's a joke.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Um reality is a little different when you get here, right?

SPEAKER_02 10:11

Exactly, but you know, I knew that you have to work hard, and you know, my story really is no different from anybody who lives in the same country. It's not about where you're coming from, it's about how much you push yourself, how much you bulldoze yourself to achieve your dreams, and um that's what I was doing. I came and I worked as much as I could, like 60 hours a week, whatever. And of course, there's no good nutrition and sleep, what sleep? And I mean, I was an immigrant and the plan in the place that I can uh do and achieve if I really work hard at it. Um, and then um when my health deteriorated and the doctor said that's good that you came today, otherwise you will not be alive tomorrow. I figured maybe it's it's time for me to start thinking, uh, you know, what am I doing here? And uh the there was um no diagnosis of like you have a heart uh uh high heart pressure here at the medication for you. Um no, it was the stress that really derailed my hormones. And uh any women listening to this will know that means a lot to a body. And the doctor pretty much said, Yeah, I am stressed, and um, I need to lower that stress levels. But here's the deal I was like, what do you mean I'm stressed? I am not stressed, I am just going, you know, doing stuff, I'm fine. Um, but then I started uh looking, what am I doing? And then uh I started applying stress management bandages, I call them bandages because you know, all of those things that you hear, oh, you just need to go to yoga class, you just need to write a diary, maybe take a nap, and you'll be fine.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

Um to add things to your life, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:04

Exactly. So it adds more to do, but also, you know, I was going to that yoga, you know, and I'm standing there in that warrior pose and I'm thinking to myself, how much work I need to do tomorrow. So, how is that stress management? It's not management, this is just an addition, but I keep on thinking and keep on stressing in my mind, no matter what I do. Um, but of course, it was a great start for me. It helped me to get the grip and I start um learning how to take care of myself more, and I became stress management coach, and that's where the biggest piece in this big puzzle finally came um unexpectedly, because I was reading the book about how to get more clients because I was starting my coaching practice, and the author said that she was an adult child of alcoholic. Um, and I was like, wait, there is terminology for that? Apparently there is. Yes, there is and she recommended the book to read, you know, like uh there's so many books. I got the book, I read it in two days, and I realized, wait a minute, that's the cause of a whole problem. It's not about that I was not going to yoga enough, it's not that I was not enough drinking water or not sleeping seven hours. It was my mental state that coming from a very stressful childhood, uh, my default state was already very um stressed out, burnout, hypervigilant. That was me, that was my normal. So naturally, when the body got more stress, it just couldn't handle it anymore. So that's why I teach um an advocate when someone comes to me and they say, Help me with my stress management, I immediately ask them, How your parents manage their stress? Because that's how we learn everything in our lives. It's not only, well, my parents um were doctors, so now I'm gonna be a doctor. No, it's about every little thing that they did. Did your dad drink to help him manage his stress after work? Was your mom not taking any breaks? Because women are supposed to be martyrs in the family, and the women constantly need to give and feel ashamed when she's just sitting down. Um, and that really started this whole big journey for me, realizing that wow, when somebody told me you need to love yourself more, I thought I'm gonna slap them. Because what they because what I heard, it was like I'm still not doing enough. And uh especially in our society, when you really think about it, when you meet a friend or someone that you haven't seen for a while, when you ask them, How are you doing? Most of the time you will hear it back how busy they were, how much stress they have. That's all the families, right? Yes, nobody says, I just had a wonderful morning, I was drinking coffee and watching the birds and the flowers, and I was just taking a breath. And uh no, nobody says that because in our society you have to be productive, otherwise you'll be excluded. And for humans to be excluded from the group means death. So that's how we operate, and it has bigger roots because we're doing this from generation to generation, and this got stopped.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

So when you the br the moment, like this realization that you had that the stress came from, like this you read a book, and then all of a sudden there's a you know, there's the there's a there's a terminology for this and everything else.

Adult Children Of Alcoholics Patterns

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Uh, what was the book? And what was the thing that spoke to you the most when like what was the there was a sentence or there was a chapter in there that was like you know, kind of the the your your head explodes with realization, an aha moment. Like what was it that landed with you heaviest that caused all this change for you?

SPEAKER_02 16:17

Uh so the name of the book, um you it was an old book like written in the 70s or something, or like a reprint of something that they had in the title, Adult Children of Alcoholics. Um the what chapter came that opened all the doors? It was the whole book. It was the whole book because I read it in two days because everything I was reading, I was like, Oh my god, this is me. And and like, for example, it would say children that grew up in such a stressful environment are uh people pleasers, we are afraid to say no, and I was like, Oh, oh my god, that's me. And even in the work environment, you know, we if you have to work for someone to get a um check, then if somebody comes to you and says, Hey, can you do this for me? you'll say yes, and they will keep on piling work. What happened to me? And I every time I was uh afraid to say no because then I'm gonna be let go from work. That is also people pleasing because you probably you know those who work they can recognize there are plenty of co-workers around that it looks like they do nothing and they don't stress, but guess what? They still did they still get the paycheck.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

They get the same paycheck, right?

SPEAKER_02 17:38

It's the same paycheck, so uh also even in the with friendships. Let's say you have that friend who constantly asking you to do things for them, and you always say, Yes, well, they're my friend, I'm gonna do it, even if I'm sick.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

That's again, you have no boundaries, and again, what boundaries? Uh, there was another thing I was like, boundaries, what does that mean? Because where I grew up, there were no boundaries, and I learned to live no boundaries, emotional boundaries, and even saying no to myself, uh, not tolerating things, not tolerating how people treat me. And then, of course, I came from this environment that I was mistreated and abused emotionally, sometimes physically, and um, I thought that was normal. So then, of course, I marry somebody uh who's also emotionally abusive, abusing, and then I think this is normal.

SPEAKER_01 18:31

The way that's supposed to be, because it matches everything I knew from before, right?

SPEAKER_02 18:35

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

So it's funny how people re you know, a lot of what happens for folks, and especially in our work, what we see when it gets to crisis time is that a pattern is pattern is has started, um, and then it replicates. And it's almost like every time it replicates, it it stacks on some more. It's it gets a little more complex or it gets a little more stressful, and the person gets a little sicker, or they get a little more and kind of deeper into the condition that they're suffering from until finally it explodes. They get to a crisis moment. Um, and it sounds like you know, there's a having a crisis, a health crisis is one of these moments, you know, the body is finally speaks out, it's like, look, I can't take any more. And gives you a pretty clear message that you need to do something different. Not everybody receives that message, you know, and is is then able to do something about it. But it, you know, the whole the limits piece to me, you uh in your calm process, it's not just you know, it's not just limiting what you do or don't do and those kinds of things, but it sounds very much like there's a deep story in your in your process about limiting the kinds of people that you surround yourself with, limiting, you know, who are who are the people that I want to surround myself with? What are friendships look like? What are partnerships and intimate relationships look like? Is there anything in the book that talks about that stuff as well, like that you where you really focus in on how to manage relationships with others? Like, or if you were to tell somebody that's struggling with the same thing, what would you say about managing relationships with others?

SPEAKER_02 20:19

Um I think the what you asked the questions, the other books answer as well. The for example, I wrote a book, Stress Management for Adult Children of Alcoholics, that really uh touch uh on all the boundaries and relationships as well. And for those who uh stressed out at work, I published Crush Stress While You Work. It's also full of tips and tricks and anything under the sun that you can use

Boundaries And Breaking Old Loyalties

SPEAKER_02 20:45

right away. Um, but you know, I want to tell you that the one thing in the calm process that um doesn't look right in the face that really makes a huge difference in any stressful situation, how someone handles is when you know that you do something that doesn't work for you, right? The limiting, the limiting something that doesn't work, but then asking yourself, where is this coming from? And then, for example, what happened in my case, I realized, oh wow, so I grew up in this environment and now I'm an adult child alcoholic. So what is that makes me? And then the first step was realizing it, oh my god, I'm broken, there is no way out for me. Um then I realized there are plenty of people who are broken on different ways, what we call broken, meaning nobody is broken. Nobody, but also how do you change something? First step starts from realizing what you need to change, but the biggest, uh hardest thing for people to make that change is the loyalty, it's the loyalty to old identity. That does mean you're going to become someone else. So, for example, somebody knew you as a somebody who wakes up at five o'clock in the morning and running, and now you're not gonna run anymore. What are they going to think about me? Then breaking loyalties to uh those old patterns that we learn from our pattern, patterns from our parents. Um, when you know many things that we do, we learn it, especially about stress management. Um if we recognize that something we're doing that's not working for us is really coming from authorities. And it could be the parents, the our teachers, our gurus, you know, somebody who's following some um success master. And the master said that you need to wake up at five o'clock in the morning because you know the early bird gets the worm, and you are evening person, you are night owl, for you to wake up at five o'clock in the morning is going to be very stressful. So to bring the loyalty to that guru, because he knows better, you are just abandoning yourself, kind of like all over again, as you've been abandoned by your parents emotionally or even physically. So you're really not helping yourself. But how is that you break that loyalty? That's I think is the key to any change, and not necessarily doing the calm process or um starting a new diet. Any change has to be um has to include breaking the loyalty that's something that you are afraid to break, especially that humans, we belong to the group. We are tribe people. And we learned from early childhood that if we don't uh please others, if we don't do right, they will not feed us, hence we will die. So we will continue the same loyalties when we adults, and we are free to be excluded. So that is the hardest thing to implement in having any change. And it takes a lot of courage to realize that those other people that they learned, those patterns are also people and also children, and also maybe learn something that is not like me personally, and it's okay to change that.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

But it's it's also, you know, there's a loyalty that we have to the way we chose to understand something. You know, something happened to us when we were a kid, and that meant this, you know, whatever it is. And then we carry that for decades. And then all of a sudden you're sitting there, it's like, I keep doing this because and maybe you get the opportunity to reflect long enough to realize that it's coming from something that was in your childhood, coming from a family environment. And you're like, Do I need to keep doing that? Is that you know, is that really mine? I I think uh one of the things that happens in um you know, my I my father passed many years ago, my mom's still around, but um when a when a when a parent passes, I think it brings to bear a lot of stuff that's just like, hey, you know, even though this person is no longer with us, you still carry some of what they asked you to carry for them, even though they have no need, they clearly have no need for anyone to carry anything for them anymore, and you're still carrying it. It's like, wow, do I need to carry this? And I can rem I can recall an experience of working through something like that where it's like, you know what, I think I'm gonna choose not to carry this anymore and set it down. Um, and it was it was a little disorienting, you know. It's like, wow, that's something I've been carrying all this time. I decided to set it down. I I kind of feel off-kiltered because I'm not carrying this weight. Everything I've built about how I you choose to carry things has been based on this weight, and now I don't have this weight, and now I'm like, okay, how do I walk? How do I move? Um did that experience for you when you kind of came across these moments and made some decisions, set some limits and all those kinds of things. How was the transition moment? Like, how did that how was that experience for you? What was the arc of like realization to action for you?

SPEAKER_02 26:14

Um, it was scary, you know, because I realized, okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Terrifying, isn't it? You know?

SPEAKER_02 26:21

It's terrifying. But um, so uh there was um I'll tell you the story actually who that I that came to my mind and the at the beginning of my journey.

Saying No Without The World Ending

SPEAKER_02 26:31

So um every weekend I will see my mother. Um, my dad would work or whatever, but I will go and go shopping with her and have drinking coffee, you know, whatever. And I'm only one child, and this is a foreign country, so I felt like okay, I need to spend time with my mother. And it became to the point of what is that you're going to talk about every single weekend? And mind you, there are plenty of daughter-mother relationships that are amazing, and they can talk to each other every single day. That was not my relationship with my mom. Um, and uh, I would wanted to do something else on a Saturday morning, but like, no, I have to do this because I'm keeping doing this and I'm, you know, I'm showing respect and care to her and all this. And then when I got to the point of like, okay, I need to start looking at things that I don't want to do anymore, because uh you feel in the body when you're doing something against yourself, you you can feel it, and uh and uh, but then the moment that comes, we have a tendency of abandoning ourselves. And you know, it's like, what do you mean I'm abandoning myself? Everywhere I go, I take myself with me, right? But how you feel, if let's say even we are dehydrated, or we're wearing clothes that are too tight, you are abandoning yourself because you're telling yourself, no, it's okay, you're gonna still do it. Like this, like a parent who tells you, chill, come down, sit down, shut up. And so that moment I was like, okay, you know what? I really don't want to like, can we do like every second weekend or something like that? So I was like, you know what? I'm gonna have enough courage to tell her that how about if we skip tomorrow? Because it was like Friday evening, and I called her and I said, Um, I have some things to do, and um, can we just not not do it tomorrow? I know it's Saturday, that's our always our tradition. And she said, Oh, but thank God. And I was like, Wait, what? Well, it turned out that she was thinking that oh, her poor daughter, you know, doesn't have probably enough, you know, social life. So I'll be there for her and go to the coffee shops and go shopping with her, and I'll support my daughter, you know. And here I am. I'm thinking I'm supporting and caring for her. So, yes, then we went on the schedule that whatever we feel like it, and that definitely changed a lot. But what does it say? It says that we're continuously doing some things that we think is working, but it's not. And uh another big thing that I realized that um I spoke up and I dealt with the parent. Now, any change, especially if we recognize that a lot of things that don't work in our lives comes from following something that came from our parents, uh, it's very difficult to break that loyalty because in our society and in religion and everywhere else, it says you should honor your parents, you should obey authorities. Um, and you cannot even talk bad about your parents. You know, I am I remember when my uh book, Stress Management for Adult Children and Alcoholics came out. Um, and every chapter, and in all of my books, I include my personal stories as well. After some um I was given the speech somewhere, and um there's this uh lady comes to me and she says, Thank you so much for putting this out there. For the all of my life, I was so afraid to tell anyone that my dad was alcoholic. And you gave me that permission uh to say, you know what, if somebody else talks about it loudly, I can do the same thing. So um I also realized that I can say no or change plans. And the first time when I said no to a project that was given to me, nobody died. The world just moved on, you know, and and and I realized, wait a minute, so if I don't like something, I can uh say it, and um we can work on that, and then everybody's happy because we communicated and I'm happier. Um and no big tragedy happened, and that's how I learned to gain confidence. And you start small, you start saying no here or there, you start taking breaks, you you start identifying things that don't work for you, and you start small, and then it builds to the point that uh you gain confidence and it doesn't look like a such a big step anymore.

SPEAKER_01 31:26

So I'm you know, the the story with your mom, uh and she was like, Oh, thank goodness she's kind of socialized, we don't have to do this everything. That's that's hilarious. Um and I also I expect somewhere along the way you met with resistance with a limit that you set.

Handling Pushback With Compassion

SPEAKER_01 31:45

And you know, somebody didn't like it or somebody had something to say about it. How did you how did you meet that resistance?

SPEAKER_02 31:53

Um also a realization came to me to understand that all of us are children inside. And I realized that my um parents also were children of my grandparents. They also have their own insecurities, they also have their own trauma. Exactly. Uh and uh now when I deal with anyone, and um and if I let's say I say no, or I work on something, or just happen situations like, for example, you you go to a grocery store and the cashier is mean, you know, let's just take that example, you know, like it's a common example. Um, you know, we immediately think like what's what's wrong with that person? Like they're supposed to be nice to me. Um, but then we need to ask ourselves, I wonder what happened in their life. Um, you know, what what happened? Why why do you react that way? Because only hurt people hurt others. Um, we all have our own uh wounds to take care of. And um when somebody comes with um pushing back, I always ask myself, what happened? And most of the time it's not even about us, it's about them. The same way as us in any situation when we don't like something, or we're being pushed, or we have that resistance with ourselves or being triggered, we react too. So it's only about us because we all feel from inside.

SPEAKER_01 33:25

Well, it goes back to the C, right? Like, is this my is this mine? You know? Do I have like you know, what is the moment what do I have control of? I have control over how I respond to this person. And I I think that the separation is important, you know. If I can separate the experience from and do reflection, like is this me? Like, is there something I should be taking on here? Uh, I also think kind of a in a deeper way, if I do have an experience with someone, let's say they, you know, even if it's the grocery store person, right? Um, but I feel activated by it. You know, it's pissed me off, or I walk out of the store doing the Grumbles around payment, you know. Um, and then I'll I'll get to, you know, at this point in time in my life, I'm old enough to have a practice where it's like, okay, so why are you still carrying that, by the way? Um, what is it that's going on that that person, you know, whether they knew it or not, they they flip the switch that caused you to have this this dialogue, this inner dialogue with yourself that that's agitated, you know. So what is it that you've got going on that that is causing you agitation that this person accidentally stumbled on for you? Thank you for doing that for me, by the way, strange person, stranger in the world. Now I get an opportunity to reflect on those things. And you know, as simple as it may sound, some of that stuff leads to leads to content that is pretty deep-seated and even complex and even groundbreaking. Um, I think that there's, you know, to me in the stories that you're telling, we get caught up in thinking that that significant change, and you're talking about people taking small steps. We we get we get tricked into thinking that significant change requires large actions, and it really doesn't. It really requires some level of intention and awareness, and then small actions towards a goal, just a little bit at a time. We chip away at it. I tell that to people all the time. It's like, well, you know what? Sounds like a problem we're gonna have to chip away at, so let's chip away at it. You know, we're aware, but you know, the the biggest piece is being aware that it's there. Um, and the more space you create for awareness, the more aware you become. Um, and you know, leads you doing things like creating books and sitting in your sitting in your office and talking about how people manage stress. Um, what made you decide to write a book?

Turning Pain Into Books And Talks

SPEAKER_02 36:02

Uh I was a writer since um teenage uh times. I published my first article when I was 14. Uh and in Lithuania was freelance writer all the way through college. So I always like to speak. And I remember when I was a child, I mean teenager and all those. Uh I remember my friend said, Um, tell us a story. And I will say, Well, I have they will say, Tell us a movie. Did you see any movie lately? And mind you, like those were like Soviet Union times, so you have like only like four channels, and everybody watches the same channel. That means if there was a movie last night, everybody were watching the same movie, and you're like, tell us about the movie. And I'm like, We watch the same movie, you know that, you know. Um, but you're like, Yeah, but the way you say it, it sounds better. So um, I was a I was a storyteller and I loved talking, um, and I loved writing and creating um poems and short stories. And uh, I've just been writing and writing. And um, when I became stress management coach, I realized that um I had a lot of um people asking me, so what do I what do I need to do now? You know, give me a tips. And I'm like, well, first of all, uh things that will work for you is only the things that you believe working for you. And uh I just got tired of telling everybody the same thing. So then I realized I already had plenty of notes. I already have plenty of notes, so that's how I uh published the Crush Stress While You Work uh tips and tricks book. Um, and uh then you know, after I went to my adult child of alcoholic, uh, the whole journey, I realized um there was uh apparently there's a laundry list of the bad things that adult children of alcoholics do, and how dare you look at you, how how broken you are. And um, it kind of really hurts a little, but then I thought, you know, no, no, this is good. And I turn those um things into superpowers. So my whole book is 25 chapters. In every chapter, I talk about one of the dirty laundry list items. Um, like for example, uh adults like that don't have patience, right? Because I need to do it right now, right away. Um, and it may be taken as something that is not good because you need to, you know, wait until you can what's that power of immediate gratification is a bad thing and all of this. But guess what? The superpower about that is I get you done. I I don't sit around and wait until I have inspiration. Like if I feel inspired that moment, that's what I'm gonna do. It so I converted uh all of those, what looks like a bad thing, into superpowers, and uh that's how the stress management for adult children alcoholic was born with the idea of this is what you got, that's what you came from. How about we're going to use this for something great? And um, I keep on writing, and then calm came up. I have no idea what the next book is gonna come up. And of course, I've been uh participating in plenty of book collaborations as well, where I talk also about stress management and empowering yourself.

Closing Thoughts And Sign-Off

SPEAKER_01 39:13

Well, Lolita, it has been great to have you on the show today. I'm so glad that we chanced each other's, you know, meeting across the interwebs, that is, and and got you on the show so that we could talk about this great work that you're doing and coaching with people. Um, this has been Head Inside Mental Health with Todd Weatherly and Lolita, the Calm Process. WPBM 1037, the Voice of Asheville. We'll look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks, Lilita. Appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 39:43

Thank you, Todd.

unknown 40:02

I think it's not beautiful, be our pen. I'll be out there I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 41:09

I'll be so beat the last in the need to find our way home, I want it all, I want to so only home. I'll do so long, he asked me I need to find my way home, I want I'll do so long in your last in the scalp, need to find my way home, oh found my way home.